This past week was, probably, the worst of my life so far. On Monday night, my beloved cousin Samantha died at the age of 24. It doesn't even feel right to call her my cousin, because we were much closer than that. We really were like sisters, and her real sister Dena and I have the same relationship. I had been dreading this day for decades, literally, and it finally came. Yet I feel no sense of relief. Just pain.
One year ago this week my biggest problem was that I had to deal with an incompetent, idiotic research company and a client who loved them. As stressful as that was, I'd be thrilled to trade that problem for all these new ones. In the past nine months, I've experienced the following:
- My "stepmom" died
- I discovered a long-time friend talking shit about me (sounds juvenile but damn it hurt)
- I turned 38 (no jokes about how this a good thing; it might be good if I'd achieved ANY of the goals I'd set by now)
- I attended my 20-year high school reunion (yes it was fun but again, kind of sucked being single and childless among all the happy couples)
- My dear cousin Debby was killed in a car accident
- My parents, divorced for many years, both chose to spend Christmas with me (again this turned out to be fun but started out a little awkward, and the holidays are always stressful anyway)
- Samantha went in for a long-awaited lung transplant and had every complication you can think of
- I lost two friends -- not close friends, but people I cared about (one to suicide, one to cancer)
- Brian and I just could not get along and he moved out
- I got the flu and was sicker than I'd ever been, ever
- After 9 1/2 years with DDB, the management stabbed me in the back. I quit, but it was so awful, it felt like I'd been fired instead. (It never feels good to think you're so important and great, only to discover you are not valued AT ALL.)
After about 3 or 4 of these events I thought, "NO MORE!!" but it just kept on comin'. The good news is that Brian really rose to the occasion and showed me tremendous support when I lost my job, even though he had no responsibility to do so. So after a few months he moved back in, and that was good.
But I'm still suffering from the loss of my career and since it was the center of my life for so long (I have no husband or kids, so the natural focus was on my job), it's been very hard to regain a feeling of vitality. So I'd already been moping...
And now I've lost my darling Samantha. We were so alike. She was my go-to girl for anything fashion-related. I could name drop some trendy designer and nobody knew what I was talking about, except for her. Every single sale I came across, I told her about it. We loved Kathy Griffin, Intervention (though sometimes it bummed her out), The Soup, and lots and lots of other mindless trash TV. We took so many memorable trips together, to Hilton Head Island, Disney World, all over LA, and especially Las Vegas, where I took her to her first (and probably only) male strip show. She was only 17 so I still feel a little guilty about that. But the look on her face sure was worth it.
Anyway, I don't mean to whine and moan and groan. I know a lot of people have it a lot worse than I do. I am just a little worn out right now, so bear with me if I'm a little grumpy. I really don't want to become a bitter old lady, so I'm gonna try to maintain some positivity and live a life that Samantha would approve of. Suggestions and encouragement always welcome.
Love.
(This is Dena, my Aunt Carmie, and Samantha at Christmas two or three years ago)
3 comments:
It's sad to see so many hurtful, painful things occur in one year-- and it's not even been the full year. Out of all of the pain and loss, you are still there and carry these people whom you have loved in your heart-- so they live on.
And 2 other things occurred that are great:
1) your divorced parents spent Xmas with you....... and everyone survived and had some fun. That's HUGE
2) Brian was supportive and showed you that he cared about you-- with or without the job.
He's there for you. That's something amazing.
Awh Jen, I am so sorry for all your losses but you have also gained so much more wisdom, strength and maybe all this has happened to change your perspective and priorities. Having the love and support of your family, friends and especially Brian is HUGE. Some folks don't even have that!
1994 and 2001 were my years of pain. In '94 my dad was killed and grandma died suddenly, my uncle was kidnapped, my mom ended up having a tumor and I was "in charge" of my family at 24, my supportive boyfriend that I lived with cheated on me with one of MY friends, and I had a miserably abusive boss and job - ALL in one year. BUT look what happened...I got a new job at MVBMS where my talents were appreciated, I moved to Soho and had that great big loft apt...I ended up dating a guy who help me regain trust, and BEST of all I met an amazingly supportive group of girlfriends -- including YOU who are my dearest girlfriends for LIFE and who made a pack never to date each other's boyfriends. With that love and support I got out of that funk.
Give your self time to mourn your loss...it's completely normal and good for you but try and look at this year as a transition...sheding the old skin for a new life.
xoxo
i
Jen-I am so sorry about your loss of your dear family members. I hope that you are remembering the good times you shared, and that brings a smile to your face and less tears. I also am sorry that your career has 'taken an unexpected turn"-but I'm sure that great things are in store for you, and you will make them happen as only you can. You are such a great person and friend, and I have every bit of faith in you as you face these challenges in your life. I love you tons! Hang in there!
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